London, Part II

6 Aug

Recently, I went to London.  This is the second part in a series about that trip.

Was I the Only Lonely Person in London?

The woods aren’t a thing in London, they’re American.  The darkness behind trees and empty ponds and clearings: this is where loneliness comes from.  It’s where the work of our most American writers, Emerson and Whitman, rises and grows.  How can someone feel lonely without those big woods – empty of people, passed over, sometimes, by planes but still otherwise?

It’s such an American thing to be lonely.  Even in the middle of London, I felt the tug of it, like a long sigh in my heart.  I traveled there alone, so maybe I’d doomed myself to that feeling.  On the Tube alone, walking around Soho alone, eating alone in the apartment I’d rented: in my bedroom while the living room, kitchen, second bedroom were empty.  I had five shoots in six days, so I couldn’t fuck anyone, I couldn’t go out to drink, I didn’t know if it would be good for me to meet anybody.

I’d arrive at and leave the shoots alone.
I felt loneliness, but all around me, I couldn’t identify that feeling in anyone else.
People were anxious, or tired, or glum, even.  But lonely?

In my favorite British pop music, no one sounds lonely.  Even Daman Albarn’s gravelly perseverance – at his lowest, when he’s pushing himself to get through a song – sounds somehow clever.  Morrissey sounds almost chipper about his sadness.  He simply knows too much about sorrow to be lonely in it.  London seems too smart for loneliness.
You could never have a country song there, no matter how hard you tried.
A friend later explained this to me, “But to Londoners, Johnny Cash sounds clever.”  I nodded but couldn’t believe it.  Johnny cash was smart maybe, but too pained to be clever.

In London, sadness seemed to me to be something someone hovered above.  In America, loneliness grew out of it like a black vine.

I got in a cab to meet Dillon Buck.  If you don’t know him, look him up, you both deserve it.  I have this mental list of porn stars with whom I’ve always want to work.  Some of them are in America and I’m working on it.  Some of them are dead so it will never happen.  Others seem inaccessible, impossible, because they live in other countries.  Dillon was one of them.  Smiling, handsome, scruffy, and so far away.

But I was in a cab to meet him and have sex with him for hours.
I got in the black taxi and the driver seemed too clueless to have a feeling.  The backs of black cabs are so big and open, you could have a party (or record music – there’s a series of videos where musicians perform in the backs of black cabs).  I sat in the big open space and said the address, which was off of Brayburne.
“Brayburne, that’s a road, is it?” The cabbie asked.
I felt lost and looked everything up on the map on my phone and we drove towards the shoot.  What was I doing in London, meeting someone on a list of unattainable men?  What was I doing here alone, where I couldn’t drink or fuck or eat to find comfort?

We turned the corner and the street was blocked off.  On the road was an overturned motorbike, with smashed glass around it and chunks of metal lying without a care on the curb.  There was a person laying by it, turned a way he shouldn’t be turned, arms and legs in the wrong directions.  A police officer waved the cars away with a look on his face that could not have been cold or merely purposeful.  He was holding that pain in and it was contorting his features.  Go away, go away, someone is hurt here, don’t look.

So there was grief, in the middle of the road, and who has time for loneliness when your whole city is holding grief in, together?
The cab moved slowly until the wreck disappeared with its metal and plastic and bone behind a corner.

I got to the set and the accident, still in my memory, managed to slip behind some corner of my mind too:  Dillon was there with a smile on his face.  His smile is so big that you can’t help but relax into it.  A friend.  And it was his birthday.

We kissed and we fucked and you know the rest.  You can see the scene soon, up at ButchDixon.com – There’s a photo set there now, and the images will do it better justice than my writing.  I’ve added two below.

After our shoot, we had a cake.  Dillon blew out the candles.  I made a wish on top of his.  We kissed again.  We had dinner.  I had a friend, and London felt warmer.


16 Responses to “London, Part II”

  1. pianoman6398 August 6, 2010 at 11:33 pm #

    Wow, I loved it Conner. At first it made me sad that you felt so lonely, someone like you or what I think is you, handsome, sexy and sure of himself. And then it made me smile when you found a friend, celebrated, and all seemed right with the world again.
    Your awesome Conner.

  2. Charlie August 7, 2010 at 3:50 am #

    Who could feel lonely with you AND a birthday cake?

  3. Harvey Walker August 7, 2010 at 3:52 am #

    You, sir, have a beautiful literary voice.

  4. Jason Griffin August 7, 2010 at 3:59 am #

    (smile) Loneliness… It is everyones shadow in the big city. Just today wondering home from work in midtown Manhattan to the Columbus Circle C-train, avoiding the temptation to cruise for dick in the Rambles of Central Park…again, and surrounded by thousands of people in all directions I felt “loneliness” was holding my hand. Not judging it by any mens but noticing he was there as I crossed the intersections in and out of rays of sun and bursts of humidity and heat in the air of the city. I love how you painted your “companion” in London. (I wonder if the motorcyclist was lonely as well before he broke with the plastic and glass littered on the road?) Thanks for sharing this description in London. There’s comfort in knowing “he’s” everywhere in everyone’s lives. Looking forward to part 2 of this story. Love from NYC!

    -J

  5. Tony August 7, 2010 at 4:17 am #

    I’m willing to bet that there Is loneliness in London (sounds like a song title) but Brits keeping the stiff upper lip and all probably don’t like to show it or admit it. Interaction with naturalized citizen in England might give you another opinion. Nonetheless the blog entry was almost poetic.

  6. Scott Havens August 7, 2010 at 4:43 am #

    Thanks for sharing your thoughts. I’ve never been to Britain, let alone London, but I’ve always wanted to do so. When I was in Paris, I felt the opposite. I knew a bit (but not a lot) of the language, had no idea what I was doing, but felt as if the whole city was somehow in it together. That by being there, and experiencing it with them, we shared some odd commonality that transcended language or origin and arrived at something innately truer and more intimate. Despite their reputation, I never had a single bad experience in the City of Lights. I like to think it’s because I was able to find a sense of home there.

  7. Dave Tisue August 7, 2010 at 4:53 am #

    it sucks that you had some lonely moments in London. But I am glad you found a friend. Finding a friend can make up for bad times. I found London cold and lonely too (the 4 hours I was there, Long Story) Great to read your blog.

  8. TexasBrian August 7, 2010 at 6:06 am #

    Powerful.

  9. Adrian August 7, 2010 at 8:26 am #

    Wow, can’t wait to see the Conner Habib and Dillon Buck scene… two of the hottest men around… you’re both amazing, when I’m watching either of you it takes no time at all for me to shoot my load, and I just keep going shooting again and again cos I don’t wanna turn off the scene til uve both cum… can’t wait to watch ya both together.

  10. Conner Habib August 14, 2010 at 2:25 am #

    Thanks for the comments everyone!

    I’m so glad you liked it. I did, in fact, have an amazing time in London. This post is just the presentation of one aspect of the trip.

    In other news: I got one bitchy comment, which I removed. This is not a space for antagonism, it’s a space for discussion.

  11. filippo September 4, 2010 at 12:11 pm #

    Hi Conner,

    this is my first time I send a message to a porn star, but after reading your website and blog I perceive you much more as a real person than a porn star: thank your for sharing your experiences and thoughts. I already liked you for your body but now I like you for your mind too!

    Loneliness: me too I feel lonely sooo often and I know so well how one feels alone even in a big city or among other people. After considering my feelings for a long time I figured out myself it is love that I need: the more I need love, the more I feel alone and …the more I watch porn movies, preferibly with you acting. And I must tell you, you are the kind of person I’d like to have in my arms, the one I’d like to cuddle, the one I’d like to talk to and to hear from. The one I like to make love with and find with me in the morning in my bed.

    So strange to write you those things, considering that we live so far (I’m from Italy), that you don’t know me and that I saw you only on movies and the web. But there something that tells me about your depth of thoughts that I really like and that I feel near my nature.

    I hope you could think you have a new friend in me.

    Filippo

  12. Ainsley November 10, 2010 at 7:12 pm #

    Hi Conner,
    Love your story also your site,I love london.Have family there,so i am glad you did’nt stay lonely for too long. When next you visit the U.K. go to Bath and the Cotwolds,I am sure you will be amazed,its beautiful.
    Looking forward to seeing you and Dillon in the movie.
    This is my first time ever to leave a message on a gay blog,I find yours warm and inviting.
    Thanks!!!

    • Conner Habib November 10, 2010 at 7:38 pm #

      Thanks so much! The scene with Dillon is available now – hope you enjoy it. And I’ll take your advice and explore more – Bath and Cotwolds, got it!

  13. sachin sha (@sachin69bd) September 21, 2011 at 2:13 am #

    hi habib.
    I have seen blogs of porn stars before but havent seen such an interesting on like yours.
    You seems to be a guy with a lot of passion.i love your writting.should write a book.a love story.
    I m from sri lanka.dnt know if u have heard about.you should vist someday.have gud day mate.takecare

  14. Ed Buckley September 19, 2012 at 4:35 pm #

    Lovely to read something by you, Conner, about the city in which I live and which I love. For me, it’s my story. Wherever I go, there are places where members of my family have lived in times past. Everywhere has a memory. And today it’s a story shared with people of so many languages and cultures. All the world is here. And you were here too! That’s great to know. Next time, you’ll know to ask for “Brayburne Avenue”, in lovely Wandsworth, close to where I used to live.

  15. bradders83 February 12, 2013 at 1:21 am #

    As a Londoner, the quote by Doctor Samuel Johnson imbues my being: “if you are tired of London, you are tired of life!”

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